[27th April 2014]
It turns out, I didn’t have to wait until Monday to break up with my now ex-boyfriend. He calls me at around 5 telling me that he is coming into town to have dinner with his mom, and we make plans to meet up afterward. At around 8-9ish I get my ass down to Möllan armed with courage and righteousness.
I happen talk it over with Nemi a little before I leave since I find her in the kitchen when I finally come out of my room after that amazing sexy time with Ove. I’m just going to make myself a quick bite to eat, before I heading off to Ölkaféet. As I eat, I tell her that I need to find the courage to break up with X. That I’ve been meaning to do it for some time now, but haven’t found the right moment. Needless to say, Nemi is a bit thrown off; she doesn’t expect that to come out of my mouth and decides to ask me all about my reasons and stuff. And I have to sort of lie— or at least not tell her the whole truth— because I’m not about to spill the fact that I’m a dirty cheater and much less tell her that I cheated with Ove. Because she’d definitely disapprove— not about the cheating, I think since she has done it herself more than once but “don’t shit where you eat”, is one of her mottos, after all.
Talking about it kind of helps. The situation feels more real, and now that Nemi knows, I can’t really not do it anymore. Plus I have a feeling that she’ll be waiting for me when I get home— so I have to do it now since never is not an option anymore… So we barely settle down with our drinks before I throw the we have to talk line at him.
“Uh-oh”, he sniggers… and then he says playfully, making fun of me all good humor and cluelessness: “Is this about Ove?”
His comment pierces me and annoys me at the same time. He is joking, I mean he has to be! Also, quite often this is his go to joke… And now it is the truth… except he doesn’t know yet. I know he doesn’t, I haven’t actually been cheating on him long enough for him to notice.
“What? No!” I spit out, annoyed. I take a sip of my cider and eye him seriously. Telling him with my mind that now is not the time.
“Okay, what is it,” he says playing with the string of his tea bag. Who drinks tea at a bar? X, that’s who.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I say really quickly. “We aren’t really working as a couple, X. So I’m thinking it might be a good idea to like end it.”
He says nothing, but just looks at me eyes wide. I continue talking nervously:
“I really tried to get over everything that’s happened, and I know you’ve done your best too. And we don’t fight anymore, which has been awesome…” I suck in my breath, preparing to phrase my next thought as delicately as I can, “But, like, it’s not like we can’t keep our hands of each other either. It’s like we’re just friends, like really awesome best friends.”
He nods slowly. “I take your point. You don’t love me anymore.” And then he sorts of grins at the irony, because that’s what he said well over a year ago.
I reach for X’s hand and he squeezes it back half-heartedly. “No, I do love you, X. I just don’t love you as a boyfriend anymore. It’s really difficult to have to do this, and I’ve been hesitating for such a long time now just because I’m really afraid that we’re going to stop being friends.”
“Bummer,” he says and I instantly felt like crying, he notices it though and quickly adds “For me, I mean.” He takes a sip of his tea and then goes on “You know I would never stop talking to you. But, things might be a bit awkward for a little while. I mean I was thinking that things were really good between us. I’m not really sure, how I’ll be able to live with the fact that I won’t be able to touch your fantastic breasts anymore.”
“You haven’t thought of my ‘fantastic breasts’ in months, let alone touched them!” I interject, rolling my eyes. X and I we got each other, this sort of banter comes easy to us, it feels comforting to know that he’s not so upset that he can’t take a step back and engage in his regular sarcasm.
“I was going to last time you were over,” he points out, good-naturedly. “I could hardly stop myself from trying to seduce you.” I snort. “It’s true. But I didn’t think our first time in ages should’ve been in a dirty bathroom, and when we got home I just couldn’t get it up.”
I raise an eyebrow, expressing “See!” with my face.
“It was because I’d drunk too much,” he explains.
I smile a little nodding. “Do you want me not to come to Becka’s thing on Thursday?” Becka being a mutual friend, his friend’s friend that we got to know when we moved here. And the thing being an Indiana Jones movie marathon.
“Don’t be silly, GG. Of course you should come. You know I don’t hate you, and besides we always knew that this was going to happen… even though right now I really don’t want it to. I’m going to miss us.”
His admission is heart breaking, and for a little while I consider taking it all back. But, to what purpose? He’d just talked about wanting me, and I felt nothing even close to the equivalent! So much so that I could not manage to even pretend that I might’ve wanted to do it with him too. Furthermore, I just had my brains fucked by another guy earlier, and can’t wait to do it some more. I’m such a jerk!
“I know, I feel really shitty for forcing us to work things out before only to end up having to do this now.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of shitty of you. But then again I was really shitty to you, so we’re shittily even now. Can we talk about something else for a while?”
I nod, and we chat about random topics for a while. Him telling me about the funny things his mom said and did over dinner.
After a while, he randomly says, “For real, GG, is Ove really not involved in your decision?”
“No.” I deny, shamelessly looking into his eyes. Because really, even though Ove is involved, I want to believe that I’m not breaking up with X because of Ove. I’m pretty sure Ove could be replaced by someone else and we’d still be breaking up. He cocks his head a little.
“Well, kind of,” I admit. And then add annoyed “But that’s all your fault, to be honest. You’re the one who even made me notice him. Ove is only involved in as far making me realize that weren’t not having sex anymore and that we’re both fine with it. But, sure, I have the hots for him now, if that’s what you want to know.”
“You’re putting that on me?”
“Yes.” I fold by arms in front of my chest. “Why do you keep pushing this issue?”
He drinks up his tea slowly.
“Hey! I answered your stupid question, so return the favor if you please.”
“I don’t know.” He says at length. “For some reason I just always felt like, if you were going to leave me for someone else, it would be him. I thought it the first time I met him. Stupid, huh?”
“Sounds more like an attempt at a self-fulfilling prophecy to me.” I suggest not at all mollified. His shitty banter about it always got on my nerves. “Maybe you were subconsciously trying to get me to break up with you by trying to throw Ove into our mess.”
“Ok, I take note of your blatant and stubborn hints that I’m to blame. If that’s the case then I have to kick myself because it really sucks to be me right now.”
“I’m sorry,” and as I say this, I swear to myself to keep my so called “affair” with Ove secret. No one should ever find out about it. Ever. And manage to grasp and cling to a string of truth when I speak again: “It’s not like anything will happen between us anyway. Ove’s really into Sofia, this girl he met some time ago. Never shuts up about it, it’s starting to annoy us, because he just keeps bitching and mooning without doing anything. He told me that he’s just waiting for the right moment, which is, like, any day now!”
“So I’ve made you lust over a guy who’s not even into you, huh?”
I laugh! “No need to feel sorry for me! He’s not the only fish in the pond… and I have fantastic breasts, didn’t you know?” He smiles at me, and I continue, “And you have a big penis, bitches love big penises!”
“Yeah, I need to put it out there more… maybe start wagging it around now so they can take note,” he chuckles.
“Seems legit!” I shrug amused at the imagery, and with that we close the discussion and that chapter of our lives. We hang out until the bar closes, pleasantly as friends. I still feel bad for what I’ve done though, but that’s the thing: X and I are first and foremost friends. And in hindsight, looking back at it, I think breaking up with him was easier on him than when he tried to break up with me. Besides, he goes on to be someone’s boyfriend like two months after we’re over… Becka’s, incidentally!