[23rd April 2014]
I managed to get a grip on myself today, so when Ove comes around at the usual time to ask if I want to play Tekken for a while, I am game. We play a few rounds and he wins three matches in a row, so he makes a move for the masking tape. I’m faster though and knock it off the edge of his desk making it roll down to the back of his desktop’s chassis. I don’t wait to block off his passage preventing him from crawling under his desk to get it. He, on the other hand, responds by sinking down on his knees perplexing me because, well, I AM blocking his way… so I don’t expect him to wrap his arms around my thighs and lift me up.
“Eeeep!” is all I exclaim, surprised and out of breath. My skirt hikes up a bit around my thighs, and I drop slightly. “What the hell?!”
He doesn’t answer, only turns around and I’m quick witted enough to realize he’s planning on throwing me on the bed, so I grab on around his neck: if I go down, he will have go down with me too. Ha! He wasn’t planning for that one! As we tumble onto the mattress, the bed creaks uneasily but I almost don’t notice it since my mind on DEFCON 1 alert! His arms are around my legs, for fuck’s sake! Us touching like this should be off bounds unless we hit a homerun. Nevertheless, I don’t let go of him. He untangles his arms from around me, and forcibly turns on his back, and I’m caught in his momentum so I follow and end up on top of him. I let go of his neck, thinking I have a small advantage now, but he immediately grabs my wrists and I have to sit up on him to manage have some leverage to wrestle him.
At this point time slows down considerably. I have him straddled, just like I’ve imagined how I’d make my first move in countless daydreams. Anticipation and fear flood my brain with signals, as my heart and the butterflies in my stomach try to escape my body. But as his hands try to move my arms off balance to the left, I don’t dare to look him in the eyes. There’s moment of hesitation, since I wasn’t really prepared… everything happened so fast, I’m still in challenge mode and cannot seem to switch gears to “seduction” mode. Yeah, you guessed it, I choke. So I instantly stop resisting and get up and off of him, and I awkwardly and incoherently say something about how it’s late and that I’d better go to bed due to an early-ish class. I’m still not looking him in the eye when I hear him turn to his clock to look at the time and answer confusedly:
I’m waving good night and heading out to my room before he can say anything else; I’m not even sure what the time is or how long we hung out for. It could have just been fifteen minutes for all I know.
In my room, after having recovered my composure I mentally kick myself. To think that just a minute or two before I was so, so close! I can’t believe that I chickened out when conditions were so perfect for liaising. The loser that I am just ends up watching TV series and going to bed only to keep replaying the incident in my head and imagining how a me from some other parallel universe probably acted.
I have to be able to do this properly, otherwise I’ll go insane!!! [I think I already am though…]