[22nd April 2014]
I had dinner with X and some friends in Lund this evening, so I got home rather late… at around 10 to be more precise. When I enter the common room there are still some people hanging out, and among them is Ove, so I stay to chat for a little bit.. Because you know, I can never resist joining a convo no matter how late/tired I am.
Anyway, I don’t stay long… for reasons mainly triggered by Ove’s presence so soon after I’d been hanging out with X. I mean, lately I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings by trying very hard not to have the two men responsible for my emotional havoc in the same room. So, I’ve opted for going to Lund to hang out with X, and purposely not reminding him on Mondays or Thursday to come around for a common dinner. I just can’t deal with it. Feelings about one guy at a time is all I can handle right now.
Case in point: as I say goodnight to everyone and go on my half tired way to my room, Ove decides to make his excuses too and walk with me. On the way he asks if I want to play a round of Tekken, which I immediately decline. Because I feel guilty for experiencing a rather involuntary spark of attraction at seeing him and then really, really, really wanting to say yes to his invitation. And as I shut my door behind me and get ready for bed I totally hate myself for being such a jerk. The feeling wells up from my tummy and settles uncomfortably around my chest as I lie in bed that I can’t even be bothered to even daydream to sleep like I usually do. Instead, I lie awake for what feels like a long while trying to figure out a good way to break up with X. Urgh, I wish I didn’t have these problems. If I’d never agreed on X and I trying to work on our relationship in January last year, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now.