Din Idiot – You Idiot

[6th April 2014]

Holy fuck!

After a few weekends in a row of partying the girls and I decided to hang out at home and chill with some board games, food and wine. We invited Heidi* and Alison* over, and were thinking of making it a girls’ night in, but somehow we had trouble eliminating Jonas, Phillip and Vrej out of the equation. And since those were joining us I felt it was only proper that X, the owner of the Settlers of Catan expansion and Cards Against Humanity, also join us.

It’s a pretty chill evening we make homemade sushi together while doing Singstar, and afterwards we play Settles of Catan and Cluedo before we move on to Cards Against Humanity, where hilarity ensues! By now we’ve polished off a chunk of our white wine stash… and when the game ends we are all rather tipsy and the conversation takes a salacious turn and we start playing naughty two truths and a lie… with a twist of course! Because Summer knows all the twists, that’s why!

Every one of us has to write down three topics on pieces of paper, and put it in the empty chips bowl. Then when it’s your turn, you have tell two truths and a lie with regards to the topic the one guessing picked. I write down “piercings”, “kitchen”, and “fantasy”. The game turns out to be great fun…

But everything kinda spirals out of control at around too much past 1 in the morning, when Ove gets in from his night out. We all know he’s drunk by how friendly he is with everyone when he enters the common room. He gets himself a glass of milk, and we ask him to join the game, which he readily accepts. He keeps commenting on peoples answers in such a funny way and we’re all having a good time… that is until it’s X’s turn to tell two truths and a lie. Heidi, who has been on the longest winning streak picks the topic “boobs” out of the bowl.

“Okay so… I have surprised GG by getting her a lacy bra? I think small cups are the best boobs? And the first time I touched a girl’s breast was at confirmation camp?”  X has been a tough nut to crack for everyone, but Heidi seems confident about this.

“The small boobs thing is the lie!” she says.

I start laughing.

“No, that one’s actually true,” X says with satisfaction. We’d all been trying to break her winning streak for a while now. “I know better than to get a girl a bra; going bra shopping with GG is frustrating enough.”

“But you have the best boobs!” Ove exclaims, obviously confused in the way that drunk people usually are. And I feel embarrassment heat creeping up my neck.

“Him not being such a perv about my boobs is part of the reason why we got together,” I explain quickly. “In high school, all guys did was stare and joke and go on about them. It made me feel super conscious.”

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“Hmmm,” Ove butted in again, “So naïve! He’s probably an ass man, so while you were thinking he’s gentlemanly about your boobs, he was probably full on leering every time you turned around! Clever!”

X laughs. Everyone is giggling. I color some more, and but until now it’s all fun and games, and if only that were the last shit to come out of his mouth! But is it? No!

“That’s why you’re okay with her walking around the corridor in those large tshirts without a bra,” the dumb-ass continues.

“What?” I’m stunned. Embarrassment meter is now at 100%.

“Ove, come on now” Jonas tries to stop him.

“Don’t act like you’re innocent,” he replies to Jonas. “I’ve seen how all you guys stare at the boob physics. Why do you think Summer and I have a bet about how many us are here on laundry days?”

“Oh God, ground swallow me up!” I groan covering my face. Fucking hell! Please let me die. Everyone is awkwardly silent, and X and Jonas have already started dragging Ove up, helping him walk to his room. The other guys also quickly disperse, probably escaping the super uncomfortable atmosphere.

“Summer, you knew about this? What the hell?” I hiss at her, since she’s on the sofa beside me.

“Sorry,” she says, “I thought you knew… like it’s your thing.”

“What thing? Those are just my home clothes!” I say, dying a little by the second. “How can you even see anything?”

“Your boobs are huge,” Alison interrupts. Not to be prejudiced on anything, but if there is anyone who’re going to be blunt, trust the Chinese chick to straighten you out. “You move a little, they jiggle.”

“Urgh,” I groan, facepalming, beyond mortified.

Tomorrow, I’m off to buy new home tops… the kind with bras inside. I have double D cup, so wearing a bra all day is really fucking uncomfortable for me. I’d never thought about their movement before, since I thought they look pretty flat when I wasn’t wearing a bra. I thought what boobs where only a thing for guys when you showed cleavage— or like when you can see skin, like a side-boob or under-boob. I can’t believe I’ve been walking around embarrassing myself all this time.

Summer starts hugging me. And I don’t really move, because I’m not sure I’m okay with her not saying anything all this time. I feel kinda left out and sort of betrayed. This is why I never gravitated towards having many female friends in high school. They just don’t help each other out when it counts. Why would jiggling my boobs be a “thing”? Any one of my close guy friends would have pointed it out when they realized the jiggle boob thing.

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“Sorry,” she says, “Nemi and I thought you were doing it on purpose at first, that’s why we never said anything. But then when it was obvious those are your lounge clothes, we thought it would be mean to say anything. I mean it’s just us. Then it started being kinda funny; I walked in on Ove, Jonas and Phillip having a real conversation about your titties after you walked in out of breath from doing your laundry.”

“Is that why you keep asking about when I’m doing my laundry?” I ask, rhetorically.

“Hey, cheer up, Phillip had never seen boobs that big with no bra before you. It’s a public service,” Summer continues.

“Mean!”

“It’s fine, everyone here does weird things… it’s better to be sexy weird than Vrej weird!” Nemi interjects and continues, “Summer wears hot pants at home to show off her legs to Emil—”

“That’s—”

“Don’t even! We all know you’ve fucked him and that now you’re having a weird post fun alienation phase.”

“They thought you were trying to fuck Ove, the first few weeks. Then they realized X was your boyfriend and that you’re just clueless,” Alison said to me. She’d known Nemi from the beginning, so they’d been hanging out together for much longer than I had. Part of my mind is thinking that it’s fascinating to finally find out what they have been chatting about behind my back while the other part just hates them.

Heidi starts giggling. “What’s your thing, Nemi?”

“I don’t shit where I eat,” she answers, “What’s yours?”

“That’s not a thing! I wear sweat shorts, Biatch! And you have an Aqua di Gio fetish!” Summer shouts, and then turns to Alison, referring to Heidi, “What’s her thing?”

“Chubby men,” Alision answers without missing a beat and we all sort of giggle.

“Your thing is showing your bra and wearing see through and short tops.” Heidi retorts Belgian accent in full bloom.

“I do Yoga every day,” Alison says all sassy like that is an explanation.

Since the night in fizzled out by then, X and I go bed shorty thereafter. I’m still a bit raw from embarrassing myself, despite X trying to comfort me. I listen to him go on for a while at how drunk Ove was, and I sort of feel kind of bummed that he is  not even upset with Ove for saying the stuff he said. It’s like X doesn’t even care, which should be great, because who wants a jealous boyfriend, right? But even his regular Ove is into me jokes seem lighthearted. So I just roll my eyes, already turned off even though I’d been tipsy enough that earlier on in the common room I was sort of feeling like I could come up to scratch on the sex thing tonight.

PS: Ove apologized to me about this night when he was sober again. And I wear camis with built in bras at home now.

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