I Think I’m Paranoid

[2nd April 2014]

It’s fair to say that Ove has been on my mind since the party last weekend. It is all very strange. It’s weird to be secretly thinking about Ove touching me when I should be putting more effort into wanting to have sex with X. But it’s just not working…I just can’t help I daydreaming of before those precise and self-assured movements before I fall asleep… and I don’t really know what I should do.

I felt guilty for being so turned on the other day, and I resolved to focus on X and our relationship, but then stuff like this happens and I feel like it’s beyond my control.

It’s late morning when Ove seeks me out asking for help. He is going to some career fair event or other that I’m skipping because it is totally not for my area. And the thing he wants help with? His tie. I don’t buy it. Like, how can a guy live to be 22 and still not know how to do his necktie?

This is how the mind fuck starts: ‘cause I’m thinking, “no way, this can’t be for real, it’s got to be a pretext for him to come over and flirt with me.” But then it’s like, why would he be flirting with me? He knows I’m in a solid relationship. PLUS he’s made it well known to me and every other girl that he’s really into his course mate and the other girl from the student union thing he’s involved with. So this whole flirting thing must be all in my head and I’m just being stupid.

“You can’t be serious!” I say, and give him a hard look. Whether it’s in my head or not, I’m not in the mood for this bullshit. “And why would I know how to do it?”

“Come on, GG! It’s serious, I really want to make a good impression on them, and I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while now,” he goes on. That sounded sincere, so it must be in my head. “I’m not even sure this is a good tie…”

I follow him across the hall into his room, where he shows me several different ties.

“How is it that you have several ties, and don’t know how to wear them?” I ask, slightly irritated. This has got to be some game he’s playing, I think. Maybe I woke up paranoid today, nonetheless I’m still put off.

“I got them as presents,” he shrugs nonchalantly, more preoccupied with holding up a clothes hanger with them so I can pick one that I think is the best.  I wave them all away, because the dark grey tie with the light blue side stripes goes well light blue shirt and dark jeans he has on.

I take the tie off his shoulders, since I have to tie it on myself to get it right. Yeah, I know how to tie a necktie! Tartan skirts and ties where my shit in middle school. I was so obsessed with that style of dress that I even learned a few different kinds of knots! #FullTimeCosplay!

“You look good in ties,” his is voice seductively low as he comments when I’m done tying a Half Windsor knot tugging on it a little. God! It’s just a meaningless action, I tell myself when my flirting radar starts going off— and yet he’s so sexy when he does it… just a slight tug with no hesitation and I almost forget about the stuff that was on my mind earlier.

“Yeah?” I say, “I used to wear these a lot back in the day.”

I hand him the tie and watch him put it on, before I quickly straighten it up and slide it close to his collar. And send him on his way. When I return to my room, I feel even more guilty. So I make a resolute decision to ignore Ove’s charms, whether he’s doing it on purpose or not, and then call X so we can hang out.

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