You’re So Vain

[18 March 2014]

Guys are jerks. Somehow that is the gender that I tend to associate the most with, but there is no denying that they’re sometimes real fucking jerks. I will explain:

How does a guy randomly ask their friend that is a girl to go perfume shopping with them? They must be a jerk, if they’re obliviously not doing it to purposely trigger the feels in said girl, right? Every person with two brain cells to rub together knows this about womankind. And if it is a ploy to trigger feelings, it’s definitely a jerk move to be manipulative about it.

Besides, doesn’t the average guy get tons of these deodorant gift boxes from random family members at Christmas? A guy never needs to go out and buy a cologne of his own. Or at least I’ve never met one that did, until now.

This whole thing started when Nemi* met her current fling, not all that long ago. She has a thing for guys that wear Aqua di Gio; girl can smell it ways off and even in a crowded club, she can follow that Gio trail and correctly identify its wearer like a friggin’ drug sniffing dog. It’s amazing! If you ever lose your Aqua di Gio wearing man, she’ll be the one to sniff him out… although chances are she ain’t gonna want to return him. Case in point: Nemi tracks Aqua di Gio Guy from the bar to like two dance floors away, charms him and ends up hooking up with him.

We were five people from our residence floor going out, and it was Ove’s first Aqua di Gio experience, so undoubtedly he was impressed!— As one always is, at first by this creepily charming quirk. So it is funny that he picks ME to go shopping with, instead of the Master of Smells herself. Literally three days after Ove experiences Nemi in action, he asks me if I have time to come and help him shop for a new cologne, because “the one he had finished a while ago” and it occurred to him from witnessing Nemi that how a guy smells really does matter to girls and he’d like to have a signature scent as well.

I tell him that I’m really not the one that should be choosing such a thing with him, it would probably be best if he decides the way he wants to smell. And that if he doesn’t care he should just invest in Aqua di Gio, it’s an objective fact that plenty of girls like it.

Noticing my awkward resistance, he uses vulnerability on me. Says he’s never bought something like that before and that he’s too scared to go buy it alone, and of making the wrong choice… and I mostly gobble that shit up. So just to be sure to take it home, he adds that since I’ve said on several occasions that I liked his shower gel— I’ve only remarked upon it because his whole damn room always smells strongly of it! Like, we get the fresh smelling hint, you take showers! — he could trust me not to pick something weird.


I would start assuming that this was all flirtatious behavior if I didn’t know better: for one it’s pointless to flirt with me since I have a boyfriend; and secondly, he’s told me all about the two girls he’s having a dilemma about choosing to purse.

Nevertheless I eat that it up like it’s my favorite tiramisu, and because of the above I think that it’s really rather sweet of him to go to such lengths to cater to what women are attracted to… and suppress a comment that is on the tip of my tongue about how if he wants to smell like his body wash he should just bring it to a perfume store and have them find something similar— I’m not a nose! His body wash is one of the most commonly sold supermarket brands i.e. nothing special, X wears with it too when the fancy shmancy Christmas ones end. Speaking of X, I already know how he feels about Ove and thus am seriously aware of how it’s bad to go shopping for something as intimate as perfume with him, because I’ve never even done that with my own boyfriend… not that he has ever asked.  Plus the fact is that what I am is lazy, and my inertia for getting out of my sweats and being dragged to a mall on a Saturday morning just barely gets thwarted by Ove’s insanely cute request. But, hell, he found my heartstrings and tugged at them, until I caved.

So we go to this shop at Mobilia that I know has the most varied selection of fragrances, I never waste my time at Kicks or Åhlens if I can help it: the sellers there just try to push shit on you without much knowledge of how trying out a perfume works, also… way too many celebrity brands in those stores! Anyway, so there are a few different choices that get presented to him by the lady at the shop (because again—me: not a nose!) and me— while we were at it, we had him smell Aqua di Gio, of course, which he thought smelled too girly.

Although we don’t buy anything, what we do is that we narrow it down to his two favorites and spray them on each of his arms so we can see how he likes the smells when he’s been wearing them for a couple of hours. From the get go it’s pretty clear that Ove favors the aquatic sporty kind of fragrances, so we end up with Ralph Lauren Polo Blue and a sporty Lacoste one.

He remains more partial to the Polo Blue even a few hours later when the fragrance has had time to develop. To be completely honest, I must agree with him as there’s subtle hint of darkness in that fragrance that sort of fits with his person. Anyway, a few days later goes and buys it. The cologne that Ove wears now: I PICKED IT!  And fuck me, if that knowledge doesn’t trigger secret romantic daydream scenarios in my head in the dark of night that a) I can’t block out and b) I’d never dare to actually admit to, let alone talk about, not even here. So, like I said, Jerk!


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