The Heart Wants What It Wants

[19th April 2014]

I’m trying to think back on how it all started, since it feels like I just suddenly started fantasying about Ove. Somehow over the course of a few weeks’ time I developed an involuntary attraction to him. Mostly I’ve been feeling like it’s just harmless fantasies in my head, but now, after thinking things over, the coin finally dropped. Our friendship dynamic has changed, and it is impossible to dismiss the real possibility of something happening between us!

I am equal parts lust and bewilderment since he is definitely not my type. Why did it have to be Ove?

My desire for him bothers me to no end, and yet evidently I should have seen it coming, seeing as X felt threatened by Ove from the moment he met him. And X has been consistent about jokingly making sure that I am not into him over all these months that Ove and I have known each other. That is something that really annoys me, because the notion of me being into someone with such a questionable personality is ridiculous; there are so many other better candidates that could’ve been the subject of  X’s lukewarm suspicions. So, it’s like X is having a gleeful “I told you so moment” now.

Aside from X’s weirdo antics, there really isn’t anything that justifies this attraction to Ove. I’ve got more guy friends than girl friends, and while Ove is handsome, he not the hottest of them nor is he someone I know really well, or even someone I spend that much time with (Objection! Exception: the time since this unacceptable lust started).

He does live across from me, but both the room to my right and the one diagonally across from mine house men, and one of them is also really good looking. In fact my corridor has more guys than girls, and I’m friendly with all of them. A couple of them are hotter and better people than Ove is.

Most of my classmates are also guys, some of them really fucking hot. I’ve also gotten to know most of X’s friends here in Sweden really well, and hang out with them independently of X. And there is even this one guy that I’ve always had a secret mini-crush-like fondness for, for the longest time— but nothing will or can ever happen between us.

I have binders full of men, and even a guy who has taken my fancy and yet I still never had such an itch to make a move on any them before.

My best friend has suggested that maybe X’s vibe didn’t come from something I’ve been doing, but from something Ove is emanating. Maybe there is a point to it, but even if that was the case I had been oblivious to any of it before, and could have very well continued to be.

It annoys me to no end that X foreshadowed this and it bothers me that somehow I managed to want that asshole so bad, because I’m convinced that I should be better than this.

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