I Touch Myself

[17th April 2014]

I am horny!

It is such a relief to finally admit it, but also quite embarrassing… mostly because it sounds so crass, but, hey, it is what it is.

This realization really did catch me by surprise and despite my being relieved that there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not sure how to handle it. The doubts I thought I’d come to terms with have resurfaced, and I feel like a hot mess for not knowing what to do…

Quite recently I started having sexual fantasies again! And I’ve been touching myself for the first time in a long time! And it is delightful! …But also shameful because I’ve been thinking about Ove*. The other day, it hit me: the realization that this could be more than just a fantasy; that I want to be fucked again (you know, like Charlotte in Sex and the City when she realizes that she just want to be fucked for once). The problem wasn’t wanting the sex—it was sex with X*!

It has occurred to me that what I value about us is not romantic in nature, so a lot of my reluctance to break up— despite no longer being attracted to him – has to do with the fact that X is very nice, unlike the many jerks that are out there (Ove included, btw). X is my best friend and I am really of scared of ruining our friendship. But at this point I’m thinking that there is no point in being together with the perfect guy if I really am not in love with him anymore.  It’s unfair, right? We should be making the most of our youth before it’s too late— we both need to stop wasting each other’s time, I guess.

So, this has kind of been on my mind recently, but since Easter break started yesterday and most people have gone home for the weekend and I’ve nothing better to do, I decided to spend today centering myself. To figure out my next move. Today— admittedly after a hit or two off Summer’s bong last night— I woke up thinking:

“So what if I don’t find another good guy?”

I feet totally fine with being single. I mean, there was no guy before I got together with X and I was a happy person then too. There can’t only be jerks out there, and I have more than enough time to find another great guy, right? I mean, considering I’m expected to live ‘til I’m past 80.

Plus, X and I are to some extent already living separate lives — different Unis in different towns, etc… so there might be a chance we might both actually be in similar states of minds. After all we’ve been through last year, maybe we’re both just scared to ruin everything again. Still, I’m quite sure we’ll find a way to remain friends, if I handle the break up right.

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